Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
