bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
