I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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