I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
