if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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