Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
