you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
