did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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