Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
