for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
