I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
