Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
