YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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