I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
