sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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