hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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