shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize