can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
