i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
