yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
