At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
