I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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