I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
