Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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