I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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