I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize