there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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