Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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