Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
