You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
