Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I didn't notice because vodka
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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