I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
