I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize