I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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