I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
