my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
