you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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