How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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