There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
