Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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