worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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