he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
