im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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