Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
