I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
