Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
