I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I met the friendliest cop last night
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i need some magic done to my vagina
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
