im drinking this country out of the recession.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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