Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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