you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just found puke in my bra..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
