My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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