It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
