please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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