I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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