We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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