i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
