I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
