she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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