This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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