apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
