I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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