I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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