Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
