After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Drake has all the answers
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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