If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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