I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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