I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
