i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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