Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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