So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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