"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
