fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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